It's official! Cruises Tom and Katie have reached Operating Thetan level VIII—the highest spiritual benchmark according to the church of Scientology—only to show off their hot new deific look at a star-studded red carpet event.
Though not entirely surprising for Tom—who was a VII coming on VIII anyhow—it's Katie's rapid ascent to superhumanity that's got everyone talking.
"I coulda sworn she hadn't even gone through the Wall of Fire," remarked actor and fellow congregate John Travolta, "and now she's not only attained Cause Over Life, but entirely transcended the encumbrances of our material realm—and all in a few short months."
Amazed at her explosive arrival to the state of Clear Theta Clear, actress Kirstie Alley remains skeptical: "I smell nepotism—pure, Thetanic, Hubbardian nepotism!"
Still, Kelly Preston is guardedly optimistic. "It's all so sudden, but I'm truly delighted for her," she said—"I know she'd been solo-auditing wilder than Xenu's temper, so it's with a lot of hard work she's gotten so far."
About Tomkat's eye-catching new look, stylist and entertainment guru Steven Cojocaru can't get enough. "First it was oversized Paris Hilton shades, and now it's that eerie omniscient look," he said. "It won't be long before Madonna and Nicole Ritchie go ga-ga for the glow!"