Researchers Propose Ultimate Stimulus Package, But Will It Work?

As the threat of a worldwide depression still looms large, analysts and Wall Street pundits remain uncertain of our economic future—but researchers at the U.S. Stimulus Bureau find themselves cautiously optimistic regarding an unlikely proposal to re-stimulate our ailing economy: a thirty-story Day-Glo phallus.

Head researcher Dr. Sidney Bloch is convinced such a last-ditch response may be necessary: "It's looking like an emergency, and our economy needs a stimulus—a whopping, muscular stimulus that'll work acute and lasting waves of recovery."

Dubbed Stimul-U.S. 1, the project will be a lavishly expensive, first-of-its-kind megavibe conceived for the express purpose of parting the reticent legs of Wall Street.

Lead engineer Scott Gravis is perhaps too excited: "It's looking good. It's looking really, really good."

Enlisted for help were a host of seasoned and colorful experts.

"I'm thrilled to be a part of it," said Hustler mogul Larry Flynt, whose advice and creative expertise proved instrumental in furthering the venture—"I was already in the business of stimulus, anyhow: Why not go way bigger?"

Associate contributor and adult film star Diva Janeway also weighed in: "It's so big!"

Construction is set to begin early this Spring, with a stimulation target time of mid-October.

"It's gotta work," says team designer Robert Pueblo—"and we'll make sure it does, because although our economy's been teased and conned by a cocky and insensitive real estate market—as well as a slew of selfish, slick-haired stock-market peacocks—she's indeed got a massive headache and in dire need of drawing a bath, lighting some scented candles, and having a relaxing, recouperative evening with the Stimul-U.S. 1."