Rabies-Infested Zucker: We Need Tootie

Just days after his absurdly indelicate handling of the Coco-Leno late-night imbroglio—which happens to rhyme—NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has now given equally bizarre and often even impossible orders regarding the Peacock channel's primetime lineup.

"I want CSI on Cartoon Network," he said during a recent press conference. "Words can't prescribe [sic] how many changes I wanna make. We need Tootie from the Facts of Life, OK? And she's gotta be on Law & Order. Period."

Zucker continued before a stunned press corps: "I want a whole show just about apples... and pears. Like, y'know, the fruit. And we'll put it on against [American] Idol. It'll kill."

"And I want Idol on Bravo right after To Catch a Predator."

Many believed the NBC president appeared anxious and confused, often exhibiting erratic and convulsive movements. "He was like a zoo animal," said Don Hagen, a reporter for the Associated Press. "I could swear I saw foam forming at the corner of his mouth. Later he ripped his shirt and just kept yelling."

One big rival is baffled by Zucker's unworkable intentions. "He's talking about moving around and annexing properties that aren't even a part of his network," remarked Les Moonves, President and CEO of CBS. "When did CSI become his?!"

NBC's top exec also proposed a number of other puzzling changes: "We need Dan Cortese on three hours a night. The affiliates keep telling me, 'more Cortese,' so that's what we're doing. And it's definitely a green light on the Jordache Jeans Hour w/ Sheena Easton. I signed the contract in my own blood. And I also got a special phone that'll help me reach Tom Snyder on the Other Side."