The Best-Ever Movie with Metal Mustaches

★★★★ Transformers: The Movie (1986)

• Awesome '80s soundtrack (featuring Stan Bush's The Touch): ✔

• Starscream: ✔

• Judicial authority totem with gamut of togglable faces: ✔

• Not directed by Michael Bay: ✔

• Heartwarming theme of underdog turned hero: ✔

• Asiatic, catfish-looking robots with metal mustaches: ✔

• Planet-eating megabot voiced by Orson Welles: ✔

• Warm and fuzzy feeling when the movie's over: ✔

Take that, piece-of-awful new version. With your badness.